mother
are you my mother!?
One of my family’s love languages is mocking gentle teasing. My mom is the easiest target as she keeps submitting herself for consideration with her flamboyantly posed photos, unique tattoo choices, excessive energy fueled by over exercising and texts to the family feed that read things like “What does it really mean when we accept the cookies!?” She flits from topic to topic at the speed of a hummingbird and makes our Christmases memorable with a different theme each year.1 Once I texted to ask her my birth time because a friend wanted to do my birth chart and when I told her this she just responded … “telling.” 2 It is the most cutting insult and now I use it all the time.
Though we tease her, we also admire her immensely. Exciting and vivacious, she raised 5 kids while working as missionary/teacher in a foreign country and is an expert adventurer and travel planner. She often travels solo; taking tango lessons in Argentina, cooking classes in India, posing for photoshoots in the lavender fields of Provence and more. I get my love of food and travel from her and I hope to absorb more of her energy, positivity and friendliness. I was privileged to join her on a two week journey around Vietnam last fall3 and, though our extrovert/introvert natures did not always align, it was majestical and I will never forget the special time we had. Or the water puppets.
Now that all the mushy stuff is out of the way, back to books! Beware of some of these because lovely, simple, easy mother relationships do not a novel make. Conflict is key for a good story. So while some of these mothers are not imitation worthy, they are all fascinating and impossible to ignore.4
Enjoy breakfast in bed with one of these.
I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
Jennette McCurdy, a child actor on shows like iCarly and Sam & Cat, had an intensely close and highly complex relationship with her abusive, narcissistic mother before she died of cancer. This memoir recounts how much McCurdy sought to satisfy her mother by pursuing her own failed dream of acting and the complete control over mind and body her mother wielded over her. With her extreme diets, exacting beauty standards, invasive personal intrusions, mind manipulations and iron grip over her entire life, McCurdy’s mother contributed to her developing severe anxiety, eating disorders, various addictions and a stunted self of self. Once her mother dies, and she eventually quits acting, McCurdy begins to confront all the ways her mother’s influence and actions have affected her life. Alongside a fascinating look behind the scenes of popular kid’s tv shows and that whole machine, we get a front row glimpse into the talented and resilient McCurdy’s life during her most formative years in and out of the public eye along with her truly bizarre relationship with a real trip of a person. By the end you may find yourself agreeing with the title.
I can’t say that I knew anything about McCurdy’s career before reading this as her tv shows skewed much too young for me.5 I saw this book everywhere when it came out (as it was highly successful) and it hooked me with its provocative cover and title.6 The therapy and healing this woman must have gone through to write this memoir is truly astonishing. Good for her. It is intense, horrifying, tragic and sad. I found McCurdy’s writing snappy, smart and blunt; she’s got great emotional buildup and is often darkly funny inside her trauma with direct, unadorned narration about extremely disturbing things which is purposefully jarring.
By the end there were certain details, blank spots or time jumps where I felt lost or unclear on but how much right to her life do I really have? Memoirists decide what they want to share and how, and though it isn’t always tidy and crisp, I’m thankful they’ve done the shadow work to process and am always in awe when they choose to write and share it with readers. This is especially true in an incredibly vulnerable, personal and dark tale like this one where McCurdy bares her own complicated self. It is a roller coaster at times as you feel invested in her story and feel just a blip of an inkling of the ups and downs with her. This is a quick, engrossing read that will stick with you and could feel triggering for some people so keep that in mind if you crack it open. Looking up clips of her work after reading is sort of a nauseating experience, thinking about all she went through on and off camera, but I think it is a worthy action to take just to fully witness and get a sense of what she’s describing. Some of the tv stuff alone is bewildering and maddening.
Oh, this is a great cover. Perfect for its subject matter.
Extra Credit: Some of this story overlaps with the time period covered in the recent documentary Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV.
“I take a longer look at the words on her headstone.
Brave, kind, loyal, sweet, loving, graceful, strong, thoughtful, funny, genuine, hopeful, playful, insightful, and on and on…
Was she, though? Was she any of those things? The words make me angry. I can’t look at them any longer.
Why do we romanticize the dead? Why can’t we be honest about them?”
Tom Lake by Ann Patchett
It’s spring 2020 and the cherries need to be picked. Lara and her husband are hosting their three adult daughters on their Michigan cherry farm as the Covid-19 pandemic spreads around the world. As all are put to work harvesting cherries because their usual lives are upended, the daughters demand entertainment- the family legend of Lara’s teenage romance with the now-superstar Peter Duke, when they starred in a play together on Tom Lake a lifetime ago. As Lara recounts the well-worn7 story to her children, the process of remembering the past in this uncertain environment affects them all in surprising ways as new details are explored in new contexts.
This is beautifully written, poignant and bittersweet. I loved how this captured the act of remembering and relaying with all its unavoidable flaws and emotional consequences. I was chuffed whenever the daughters are convinced the story goes one way and attempt to correct their mother (who has lived it) and the way that family history becomes mythic.8 We readers are luckier than Lara’s daughters as we are privy to the real, darker details that she polishes or omits altogether upon the telling which gives us slight unreliable narrator vibes and creates some juicy suspense and drama. It is laid out with simplistic elegance and I was consistently pulled along by the meticulously sly reveals, layered characters and escapist, romantic setting. I predict great things to come from this author9.
This cover does nothing for me.
Extra Credit: Though I haven’t listened myself 10 I hear that the audiobook version, read by Meryl Streep, is excellent.
“I look at my girls, my brilliant young women. I want them to think I was better than I was, and I want to tell them the truth in case the truth will be useful. Those two desires to not neatly coexist, but this is where we are in the story.”
The School for Good Mothers by Jessamine Chan
Frida is a newly single mother after her husband has left her and baby Harriet for a younger woman. Exhausted and overwhelmed, she has a “bad day” and is consequently sent to The School for Good Mothers, a state-run institution established to instruct and observe to verify that mothers meet their standards before being allowed to continue mothering. As she spends more and more time in this environment and away from Harriet, she must cling to her sense of self, her sanity and love for her daughter if she is ever to graduate and get out.
I’ll tell you something right now. This. is. a. fuck.ing. trip. I am not even a mother11 and this haunts me still. The story and tension here is slow and steady, distressing and often oppressively bleak as it forces the reader to grapple with the often fraught experience of modern motherhood and its susceptibility to outside forces that remove context and are full of judgement. It’s got a mild dystopian/sci-fi flavor and is insightful and darkly comic, but like in a stressful way. I become more unsettled and exasperated with each page as Frida becomes more and more trapped and while I read it in one sitting, I did so with the assistance of many baked goods. Can’t wait for more from this author.
I like the stark and eerie “femininity” of this cover.
“By staying calm, they’re showing their child that a mother can handle anything. A mother is always patient. A mother is always kind. A mother is always giving. A mother never falls apart. A mother is the buffer between her child and the cruel world. Absorb it, the instructors say. Take it. Take it.”
Bad Fruit by Ella King
Lily is set to begin Oxford soon, but first she must survive a brutally hot summer at home as her mother grows more and more unstable and controlling. As the summer plods on and Lily begins to experience assaults upon her own sanity, she uncovers memories and information about herself, her family and her mother that will impact everything she thought she knew.
Another toxic mother story for you. Sorry not sorry because conflict is necessary in fiction. This was riveting and I devoured it in one day. 12 Its ever heightening tension was like a slowly pullllled rubber band and I was desperate for the inevitable, stinging slap just to resolve the building strain. It is deeply unsettling and has disturbingly visceral descriptions, of food especially13. This is exactly the kind of thriller I like:14 steady plot construction full of psychological freakiness with a compelling narrator and a weird, scary mystery at its core. This is a dark and very human story about generational trauma inside an intense coming of age journey, but it is not without beauty, hope, strength and resilience.
The title is extremely apt in many ways and I love the creepiness of the cover.
“I’m so frightened then—for Mama, for Julia, for her children and my own—the relentless line of mothers and daughters hurting and inflicting hurt.”
Extra Credit #1: To bring some balance to the force, I’ve got a couple of non-mother titles for you. Many women, myself included, are not mothers for a myriad of reasons and I’ve read a few books that specifically explore this.
Women Without Kids: As the titular character here I felt very “seen” while reading this. It had compelling arguments and was inspiring, interesting and validating to me in its arguments and I’m thankful it was written. The author has a podcast too.
Without Children: This one is history focused and had some interesting trivia, especially on the invention and idolization of the “nuclear family” and I had never heard of Marcia Drut-Davis on 60 Minutes before nor “The Celestial Bed” “treatment” for fertility. Wild stuff.
Extra Credit #2: My favorite mother/daughter movie is Lady Bird, written and directed by Greta Gerwig. The interactions between Lady Bird and her mother that go from extreme to extreme are so expertly realized and emotionally true, I tear up with every viewing. The scene in Goodwill when they’re sniping at each other one second and cooing over a gown the next is utter perfection. I cannot adequately express to you the depth of my admiration and love for Greta Gerwig.
Got any Mom quirks or Mom channeling of your own you want to shout-out? Which titles would you add here?
past themes include: scandinavia. cozy. bees. japan. night. plaid.
astrology is a no
playing instagram husband
love you very much mom! you are nothing like these mothers, don’t worry!
good job marketing and publicity departments
or is it?
the color yellow features prominently in one of my family’s legends
i only listen to non-fiction audiobooks with few exceptions . i can’t really picture a fiction audiobook in my head the same way i can a physical one.
aunt for life!
no snacks with this one and you’ll know why if you read it
brr, I shudder to recall
not a big fan of the typical ‘thriller’ titles
Help I read The School For Good Mothers on your recommendation, loved it, and am now LOSING MY MIND at all the Goodreads reviews complaining that Frida is a terrible mother
“Telling.” is SUCH a good line 🤣
I, too, want to know what it really means to accept cookies. Mom is asking the important questions!
I read the Jeanette McCurdy but am not familiar with the other three. They sound really intriguing!
I highly recommend Angela Garbes’s books for nonfiction around the subject of mothering. “Like a Mother” is more focused on pregnancy and birthing, and “Essential Labor” is about mothering (caregiving) as a fundamental and unappreciated part of our cultural, economic, and social fabric. She does a great job of mixing her own personal narrative with the broader picture.