f*ck the patriarchy

horses and keychains not included

Jun 25, 2024

As a sad sequel to last week’s entry “Happy pride!”, let us now add women to the list1 of people who are oppressed by fucked up fundamentalism. I planned out these two posts weeks ago2 and, in an odd show of synchronism, a 4 part exposé about the church I grew up in was published in between these newsletters. I was interviewed for this story last year so its publication hits different.

Of course, patriarchy doesn’t only exist in the church, but that was where I was raised and where I was taught that women cannot preach in church3, should cover up so as not to cause boys to “stumble”, 4 that as a woman you’ll want to marry a man and have babies and then you’ll need to submit/obey to this husband as he is the ‘head of the house’ and etc etc more bullshit. This messaging was a big part of my growing up and I’ve spend many a year taking all this apart; unlearning and trying to call out religious patriarchy where I see it.5 Its safe to say that feminism has become like my main outlet of rebellion. I mean, for the longest time I thought ‘feminist’ was a bad word, an insult, an offense. And who taught me that? In a word: MEN. They were the only ones allowed to be in charge after all.6 However, I couldn’t help but wonder7: is there a chance that they were using the Bible to keep themselves in power and women subjugated!? I’m not on TikTok, I find it freaky, but I liked this little thought experiment: Would any rational man join a church like this?

Most of the books in this here newsletter are authored by women and center women’s stories because it is where the bulk of my interest lies. I gravitate towards women’s experiences so many of the books I read highlight complicated women; their point of view, experience, rebellions and journeys to carve out their own space inside this “patriarchal smog we all breathe”8 .

Today I wanted to highlight a few of the foundational books, for me, in this anti-patriarchal work. Two are short, simple and common sense yet somehow their points aren’t as common as I’d prefer. The third is one I listened to a few years ago9 and re-listened to last month because I find the breakdown of this information so compelling, powerful and maddening that I felt the need to revisit it to stoke the flames of my female rage. Not that they need stoking really, they are always there. Sometimes as smoldering coals or a steady campfire and every so often10 as a devouring wildfire. At least internally because I've been taught to limit my anger, ignore it, suppress it, hide it, get over it when what I really want to do is listen to it. What is it telling me? What does it want from me? What will it change if I heed it? Who does it benefit when I ignore or dismiss it?

I’m on a break from “Christianity” at the moment but I still cling to this Franciscan blessing that was shared in my church during the Kavanaugh hearings where anger was at a particular peak:

May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that we may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

So today, and all days, I say fuck the patriarchy and I hope reading one of these may be a cathartic, galvanizing, educational way to do just that. Peace be with you.

WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINISTS by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Adapted from Adichie’s TED talk, this is a tiny booklet that is self explanatory from the title. We should really all be feminists and she breaks it down here in smart, succinct and cheeky arguments. She begins by sharing how she, like me and perhaps you, once thought “feminist” a derogatory term and shares simple examples, insights and anecdotes exploring the concept of equality, our stifling of humanity, the dangers of our narrow definitions of masculinity and the resulting fragile male egos that can develop, the horror that women are often responsible for protecting these egos at the expense of their own wholeness and safety and her own personal commitment not to apologize or diminish her own femininity. These are laid out so matter of factly, so clearly and concisely that it makes one feel crazy realizing that people actually argue against these basic concepts.

Note: While a very worthwhile read, this is not a perfect piece and Adichie does not include really any recognition of the trans/non-binary experience so errs on the side of generalization.

Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture.

THE MAKING of BIBLICAL WOMANHOOD by Beth Allison Barr

The tipping point for Beth Allison Barr, historian/professor/pastor’s wife/mother/academic, came when her home church would not allow her to teach Sunday School classes to teen boys. Apparently her woman-ness mattered more than her experience and credentials and teen boys were higher than her in the hierarchy. Think about that for a second. teen. boys. When she and her husband, the church’s youth pastor, respectfully challenged this decision he was fired and they were banned from explaining to the confused teens why they were leaving the church if they wanted to keep their severance package. Some real WWJD action right there. Trouble is, Barr is a medieval historian and knows the narrative of female submission comes from culture, not the Bible, and argues in this book that God’s plan for humanity is not, in fact, the disease of patriarchy. Patriarchy is of the world and aren’t Christians called to be in the world but not of it?11 With bits of memoir sprinkled throughout, the bulk of this book provides insights and context for the few verses that all this dogma hinges on, examples of incredible historical women church leaders and the very fun ways women were lit er al y erased from the text over time. Remember Junia? Probably not!12

Because of my specific upbringing this was incredibly eye opening and helpful to break down some walls of dogma but it could be interesting even for those without any of this baggage because its effects are that far reaching into our culture.

You know who the first person to preach the Gospel about Jesus’ resurrection was? Mary Magdalene. She’s like the first missionary. This is a pretty game changing thing at a time where women’s testimony had no legal standing. What a cool, upside down thing for Christianity to do! And then ignore!

In this book there’s some fascinating insight into the specific Pauline writings that talk about women in church. Wish there would have been quotation marks in ancient times so we could point to exactly where he is quoting Roman laws/ideas and then commenting on/refuting them. CONTEXT people.

This all is especially infuriating because clinging to the law at the expense of loving people is like the main thing Jesus railed against. I’ve found great comfort in Sarah Ruden’s translation of the end of Luke 11 when Jesus berates the pharisees (religious leaders) and legal experts:

“You have it coming! … you bypass justice and the love of god… what you love is the seat of honor in the synagogues… You have it coming, experts in the law! You’ve taken away the key of knowledge. You haven’t gone in yourselves, and you’ve stopped those who were trying to go in.”

Stopped those trying to gain knowledge… hmmmm. Who does that sound like?

While absorbing this book I felt dejected, disheartened and then profound grief at the abuse of power and damage and all of the unrealized potential this anti-woman dogma has caused. It excluded, mocked, oppressed and diminished millions of women throughout history and continues this very day. Think of all that was lost, all that could have been if they’d been given equality instead. This is the current hope that I have: that these “church” leaders who’ve oppressed and diminished untold numbers of the queer community, people of color and women over the centuries will get what’s coming to them.

While reading this book I was again struck by the strength of the link between complementarianism and abuse. 13

I bought this book for my Dad as a Father’s Day gift cause I’m sassy which is why I’m his favorite daughter. Love ya Dad!

Sigh. I’ve got a lot more complaints about the church that don’t really belong in this post and I’m “near email length limit” but I had a grand time venting in my Notes app. Perhaps those will show up here in the future.

“In a world that didn’t accept the word of a woman as a valid witness, Jesus chose women as witnesses for his resurrection. In a world that gave husbands power over the very lives of their wives, Paul told husbands to do the opposite—to give up their lives for their wives. In a world that saw women as biologically deformed men, monstrous even, Paul declared that men were just like women in Christ.”

…

“From Mary Magdalene to Waldensian women, Ursuline nuns, Moravian wives, Quaker sisters, Black women preachers, and suffragette activists, history shows us that women do not wait on the approval of men to do the work of God.”

Extra Credit: A little aside on this topic of editing women in the Bible: I liked this revelation about Mary Magdalene aka Mary the Tower.

Mary is indeed the tower of faith. That our faith is the faith of that woman who would become the first person to announce the resurrection. Mary the Witness, Mary the Tower, Mary the Great, and she has been obscured from us. She has been hidden from us and she been taken away from us for nearly 2,000 years. This is not a Dan Brown novel. This is the Nestle-Aland Translation Committee of the Greek New Testament. This is the Harvard Theological Review. This is some of the best, most cutting edge historical research in the world. And we are living in the moment of most radical transformation in the understanding of the Gospel accounts, of who Jesus Christ is, and who holds authority.

DEAR IJEAWELE, or A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Framed as a letter to her friend Ijeawele who asked how she should raise a feminist daughter, Adichie provides 15 suggestions as it is “morally urgent to have honest conversations… about trying to create a fairer world for men and women”. This is another quick, almost pithy read full of anecdotes, advice and ideas to approach guiding a young human14 into rejecting the gendered confines of culture and society. I enjoyed her wisdom, snark, sweet nods to her friend and the specificities she includes about Igbo culture and, of course, the 5th suggestion: READ.

Some insights that jumped out to me:

People will selectively use ‘tradition’ to justify anything
Father is as much a verb as Mother. There is no “Mr. Mom”, there is being a Dad.
The knowledge of cooking/domestic tasks does not come pre-installed in a vagina
Beware of “Feminism Lite”
Ask questions of language
Reject likability15
Never link sexuality with shame
Saintliness is not a pre-requisite for dignity

I got this book for my sisters when they had daughters to feel like I had some say in their future feminism, but I should have sent a copy to them even if they only had sons. S and R look out for your own copy soon!16

f*ck the patriarchy

horses and keychains not included

WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINISTS by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

THE MAKING of BIBLICAL WOMANHOOD by Beth Allison Barr

DEAR IJEAWELE, or A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Have you read any of these? What books that fuck with patriarchy do you enjoy?

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